Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.