Spring of Deception
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.