I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Never be a pizza!