I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.