My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
You Might Also Like
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Fight
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
those birds must be on payroll
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.