I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
SF is the wild wild west man
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Banking tips
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project