[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Guy who likes music
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
“Wait, let me explain..”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND