Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
liiiiiiiiike
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??