Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My safe word is Worcestershire
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’