Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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My daily affirmation
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
🤣🤣
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Getting married soon just need a spouse
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?