I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
True.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er