Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.