Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
This is the one
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”