Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Green is just blue that someone peed in
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.