Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.