I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test