An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.