“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?