just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
never ask a starfish for directions
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
sleeping beauty
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what