Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
lmfao
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
how to have an accident 101
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.