Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa