It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut