person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.