So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania