Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
lol
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”