If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.