I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets