Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
You Might Also Like
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you鈥檙e supposed to park between them.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little鈥hat’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“Huge”.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I鈥檒l take it.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won鈥檛 be seeing that guy again!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I鈥檓 surrounded by fakes
professor x: what鈥檚 ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won鈥檛 help us
me: yes i see that now
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.