“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
THIS HEADLINE
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…