Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything