I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….