me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE