If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Breaking news:
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …