[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.