My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
😬
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
We avoided this particular disaster
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.