Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups