9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Me when someone tries to get to know me