Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.