I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Gods work.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.