My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
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Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”