Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date: