Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.