My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing