YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
men are simple creatures
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.