My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?