No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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good work, everybody
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.