Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Easy enough.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it