“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad