I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.