Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Go hard or stay average
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?